For days, the mommy guilt has been eating away at me. I feel the need to confess, since they say “Confession is good for the soul.”
A few weeks ago, a parenting magazine came in the mail. I remember seeing an article in there about a mom who had wanted her baby-to-be to be the opposite gender. I didn’t read the article, because I was certain I would never be that mother.
We went to our doctor’s visit last week, and all was going well at first. The first 10 minutes of the ultrasound, baby looked perfect. And it looked like a girl. There was no sign of the “turtle” trademark, and life was good. And then it happened. It appeared. As if from nowhere, there was that turtle. The one I had prayed and prayed not to find.
My heart sunk. Instead of rejoicing that the baby was healthy, I was heartbroken that it wasn’t a girl.
Shame on me.
My husband had been in the room with me, and he kept glancing at my face during the ultrasound. I knew he was looking for some kind of reaction, but I lay there with a blank look on my face. When we walked out to the car, he grabbed my hand and asked if I was ok.
That was all it took. The tears started flowing, and I couldn’t control them. I wasn’t ok. I wanted a girl. I was sure it was a girl. How could I have been so wrong?
Then, my thoughts switched to, “Oh my gosh. How horrible of a mother am I?” The guilt ate away at me, and I cried harder.
We went back to my MIL’s house to pick up Jace, Lucy, and Parker. When we told the kids that it looked like we’d be having another boy, Jace jumped for joy. Lucy, however, got angry at me, and ran to her Daddy’s lap. She wouldn’t talk to me for the longest time. At one point, she was crying, I was crying… it was just a mess.
I pulled out the ultrasound pictures and showed Lucy the shots of her new baby brother to be. I told her that I was still going to need her help with the new baby, and that he was going to need us to love him and take care of him. We talked about ways she can help care for him, and it wasn’t long before she’d renamed all of her baby dolls the same name as her baby brother to be, and she telling everyone she met that she was going to have a new baby brother to love.
It didn’t take me long to become excited about a new baby boy, either. Baby boys love their mamas like nothing else. They are sweet and just adorable. Plus, since Parker’s only 2 and he’s still so little, hand me downs will be perfect! I have so much to be thankful for – starting with the fact that our new little man looks so great on the ultrasound screen.
But for one fleeting moment, I was the worst mother in the world. I know I need to move past it, but I hate that that was my first reaction. I can never get that moment back, and I can only hope that God will forgive me for my behavior that day.
I wish I hadn’t been so quick to throw out that magazine. I sure would like to go back and read what that author had to say about the situation and how she let go of the guilt… if she ever did.
Have you ever been disappointed by the results of your ultrasound? What was your reaction? How did you get over it? I would love to hear your story… if you feel like confessing!