Usually, you hear the phrase “pregnancy fears” and you think of the usual things – how bad will labor be, will these stretch marks ever go away, will my body ever look normal again… You get the idea.
But this time around, my pregnancy fears are SO different. Instead of fearing childbirth, life with a newborn, and all the “normal” stuff, I have this petrifying fear that my husband is going to leave me.
Now, anyone who knows my husband knows how silly that sounds. My husband is the most dedicated family man that I’ve ever seen – since my own Daddy was around, of course. Gene adores his kids, and he’s never once done anything to cause me to doubt his love for me.
So why do I have this fear that he’s going to find someone younger, prettier, and not all stretched out by giving birth to 6 kids?
It’s because of my dreams. Since I found out I was pregnant, which was an absolute shock to begin with, I have had the most horrible dreams. They always involve one of two things: Me going back to junior high, or my husband cheating on me.
Now, thank God, I know that I will never have to endure junior high again. And I’m guessing those dreams are coming because we have a daughter in junior high that’s about to drive us batty.
But why the adulterous dreams? What would possess my mind to even go there? I’m not saying it couldn’t happen. People do stupid things. But, it’s just not something I see my husband doing. Again, he’s never given me a reason not to trust him.
My husband works very long hours, and up until a few weeks ago, he was also driving 2 hours one way to and from work. He’s in a grocery store, surrounded by pretty girls all day long. (Ok, that’s probably stretching the truth a bit – but some of those cashiers are pretty dang cute.) That, and everyone loves Gene. He’s easy to get along with. People can’t believe he’s with me, because he’s so likable – and I’m, well, stuck up. 🙂 (Can you believe people think that about me?)
You put all of those things together, and I guess I can see where the dreams are coming from. But why am I so afraid that it’s actually going to happen? I’ve spent many nights in tears, just fearing the worst. I’ve broken down in front of Gene and told him what was wrong. He’s assured me time and time…. and time again that it’s not going to happen. So, why can’t I just take his word?
Is this just a pregnancy fear, and it will magically melt away once Gage is born? Have you ever dealt with a fear like this – one that just makes no sense at all? I’d love to hear your stories and/or any advice you might have.
And, if you convince me I’m not completely crazy, that would be nice too.